All I want Is Peace

I was never one to be around people or get out that much. I always thought it was a pain in the ass to go out a lot when I can buy beer while heading home or dancing in my own house, listening to music that I liked. Sure, I have friends and get out but it’s too much of a pain to go out so often. So much money and annoying people at the places that you can go to, to have fun at during the night. Then people like to leach off of you if you have a lot of money or get you to do stupid stuff. Why deal with all of that when you can just relax at home. Its not that bad as long as you have something to do. Then whenever you get stir crazy you can go out and do whatever. I prefer walking around or having a nice cup of tea somewhere. Not much of coffee guy. Oh, look at the time, it’s time to clock out.

A young man clocks off on his computer which appears to be in a small apartment. With clothes all over the place, games in one area and figures in another. He gets up to put on some shoes to go get some food. As he walks out, he is approached by a woman.

 

Woman “Hey, Hanzo!”

 

Looking up, Hanzo sees his neighbor. A lightly warm dressed woman, with long black hair, with the right side somewhat frazzled. Hanzo replies.

 

“Hey Yukika, what do you need?”

 

Yukika “Come on now, I don’t need anything to see how my friend is doing now do I.”

 

Yukika begins to shyly look away as Hanzo aloofly and confusingly stares at her.

 

“Yea but you live next door. If anything happened you would know immediately. It doesn’t seem productive to come see me out of nowhere.”

 

“You’re going to lecture me about being productive.”

 

Hanzo takes a moment to think before respond. Scratching his head he realizes that he can be a little bit lazy at times.

 

“Fair point.”

 

“So, where are you going? Don’t see you going out that often.”

 

“Don’t worry. Im just heading to the store to buy some drinks and food, maybe a bento.”

 

Yukika sees this as another opportunity to try and invite Hanzo over. She hesitates at first, due to her feels. She manages to express to him that she could cook for him in a very shy manner.

 

“You don’t have to do that. I could cook for you. I have a little extra food than usual, so I can do that.”

 

“No thank you, I don’t want to inconvenience you.”

 

“It wouldn’t be an inconvenience at all. I want to, if you’d let me that is, as your friend.”

 

“Riiiiight. Well, I already have my shoes on. So, I’m going to go to the store.”

 

As Hanzo begins to walk towards the stairs. Yukika is disappointed in her missed opportunity and rejection of her offer.

 

“Oh, ah okay maybe another time.”

 

As Yukika is about to walk into her apartment, Hanzo sees the look of disappointment in her face. Begrudgingly with a huff, he stops on the third step as he calls back out to Yukika.

 

“You can come with me to the store. I don’t know what you have your house but if I pick out the food you can cook it. Deal?”

 

Yukika is elated. She closes her door immediately, trying to lock her door as fast as she can. While jumbling her keys about. Hanzo gives a grin to himself as he watches her clumsily struggle. As she finally makes her way over, walking ahead of him, she daintily glances back.

 

“Deal.”

 

It’s a little cold for her this fall but Hanzo seems unfazed. They walk out of the apartment complex to a nearby train station to head over to the shopping district. It’s a little over thirty minutes away but it has the best prices and foods in the area. As they get off the train, Yukika sparks a conversation.

 

“I’ve never asked but why Hanzo?”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“Why did your parents name you Hanzo?”

 

“(sigh) My parents were into action movies when they were younger. Especially ninjas. Hattori Hanzo was a legendary ninja and they named me after him hoping I’d be just as cool.”

 

Yukika giggles at the thought of how he was named. How his parents must have been really fun to be around, maybe a little ninja nerdy too.

 

“That’s a little funny. How do they feel about how you turned out?”

 

“They are happy with what I do but wish I did more. I guess that’s parents though.”

 

Yukika giggles some more. While Hanzo gives an apathetic sigh and small grin as they reach a crosswalk just in front of the grocery store. As the light turns green to walk across, Hanzo looks back as he stretches to see an older woman trying to cross the road. Noticing she can’t with everyone walking in front of her or by passing her. Hanzo takes in a deep breath as he jogs back across to the older woman. Yukika turns to see that Hanzo has turned around. Flustered that he may be headed back home, she cries out.

 

“Hanzo!”

 

Yukika tries to go back across but the light turns red, when she looks back over to the other side of the walk. She can see Hanzo talking to the older woman.

 

“Excuse me miss, do you need some help?”

 

“Oh, yes, thank you so very much young man.”

 

“It’s no problem at all.”

 

Yukika smiles at what she sees. Mesmerized by Hanzo and how he can so easily help others at the most random of times. Despite his usual disposition. When the light turns green again, Hanzo extends his arm out to the older woman, gentlemanly. Escorting the woman across the walk, where Yukika is waiting for him in front of the store.

 

“There we go miss.”

 

“Thank you again. How can I repay you?”

 

“No need to miss, just be careful and take care.”

 

As Hanzo turns away from the older woman waving goodbye. He passes Yukika, as they both enter the store. As the older womans waves goodbye to Hanzo when passing the doorway.

 

“Take care of yourself and your girlfriend too. Have nice evening young man.”

 

Hanzo and Yukika are embaressed by what was said. Hanzo doesn’t want to acknowledge it, as he continues to walk further into the store. While Yukika can only think about the older woman’s words. As she looks over to Hanzo, she calm’s herself down, smiling to herself. Whispering.

 

“If only you could be that nice, openly. More often.”

Hanzo notices that Yukika is behind him by the front door still. Seeing that she has said something, walks up to her.

 

“You say something?”

 

Even though Hanzo has walked up, so close to her. She can’t help giggling as she heads further into the store with Hanzo right behind her.

 

“No, let’s go find the food. I’m starving.”

 

A slick but a genuine smile comes over Hanzo as he sees how genuinely happy she is. Deciding to take this opportunity to joke with her a little.

 

“Here, I thought I was going to be the one mainly eating.”

 

Hanzo and Yukika make their way through the store finding what they need to make katsu for dinner. Finishing the shopping rather quickly, they make their way back to the apartment complex and begin to cook. The decision was made to eat at Yukika’s place since Hanzo’s place is a little messy to say the least. Hanzo tries to help with the cooking but can’t seem to keep up with Yukika’s pace. Yukika picks on him the whole time. With dinner cooked, they sit down to eat the meal they’ve made.

 

Hanzo “I love katsu and rice. I could die happy if I could eat Katsu every day for the rest of my life.”

 

“You can’t just eat rice and Katsu. That’s why I made sure to steam some vegetables. You better eat them to.”

 

Yukika stops eating to give Hanzo a stern look as he continues to eat. Once he glances up to see her disapproving look, similar to a mother. He reaches for the bowl with vegetables, as he replies.

 

“Okay, okay, I will.”

 

As the dinner carries on. Hanzo and Yukika are enjoying the delicious dinner they’ve made. Yukika has a question pop into her head that makes her hesitate to ask at first. But she decides to ask anyway with a sense of curiosity and nervousness.

 

“Hey, Hanzo, can I ask you something?”

 

“You already did.”

 

“Come on, I’m serious.”

 

Realizing that it’s a question she really wants to know the answer to. Hanzo heads over to the counter where the Katsu is, as he replies

 

“Alright, what do you want to ask?”

 

“Why don’t you have a lot of close friends?”

 

As hanzo is picking up the katsu to put on his plate he stops. A more expressionless look comes over Hanzo as Yukika continues her question.

 

“I see you with people you call your friends but I feel like more of a friend than them. Why are you so against having close friends?”

 

Hanzo hesitates to answer her, it’s not an easy subject for him. He’d normally answer this question with a simple.

 

“I’m not a people person” or “Having close friends can be too much of a hassle.”

 

With Yukika though, he wants to give her a proper answer. Just not a full answer. He steadily gives his response without revealing too much.

 

“It’s not something I really want to talk about. Just know, having close friends can only hurt when their gone. Weather it’s just moving away or their gone forever.”

 

Yukika notices the change in tone from Hanzo. She’s never seen this side of him, but feels bad. Feeling as though she brought up a subject she shouldn’t have.

 

“Okay, I’m sorry I brought something like that up. I didn’t know.”

 

Hanzo doesn’t want the dinner to be ruined over something she didn’t know about. In order brighten the mood, Hanzo gives a nice gesture in a joking way.

 

“It’s, it’s alright. I don’t ever say anything about this so, I guess it payment for the great meal.”

 

Yukika smiles and giggles, while responding with her own sassy remark

 

“You didn’t have to say it was great ya know. A little much.”

 

“Well it was the best I could come up with. I’m, I’m not good at dealing with times like this.

 

Hanzo scratches his head in slight embarrassment. She has gotten to see some new things about Hanzo. Seeing his embarrassed side set her in a frenzied laughter.

 

“Dummy.”

 

Her laughter is contagious, as Hanzo joins in on the laughter his self. As they finish dinner, Hanzo decides to clean the dishes since he wasn’t much help with the cooking. Once done, Hanzo prepares to leave. Yukika suddenly stops Hanzo at the door to somewhat stammer shyly and ask.

 

“Hey Hanzo, I know you don’t like going out that much but would you mind coming with me to a movie. It’s at the movie theatre near the store we were at today. I hear it’s gotten rough out there around night time and I don’t want to go by myself.”

 

Hanzo thinks on her question for a moment. To suddenly ask.

 

“It’s not a horror movie, is it? I don’t like horror movies.”

 

Yukika sees clearly that Hanzo doesn’t like horror movies. As she sees his face go pale at the mere thought of one.

 

“No, it’s a new anime movie I really wanted to see is that alright?”

 

Hanzo doesn’t really want to go but the look in Yukika’s eyes melt away his formerly cold first response. Seeing that it would mean a lot he begrudgingly accepts while scratching his head.

 

“I get off around 6pm tomorrow. If you’re okay with a 7 showing then we can go.”

 

Yukika’s is elated at Hanzo’s response. Her smile could brighten a middle village, with the happiness she feels.

 

“Yes, that’s perfect. I’ll come knock on your door when I’m ready.”

 

“Okay.”

 

As Hanzo leaves Yukika’s apartment, she waves goodbye with a smile that goes from ear to ear. As he turns into his apartment, he tosses his clothes off and around the apartment headed to the restroom for a shower. As he gets ready for bed, he thinks about his date with Yukika tomorrow. Wondering if he should have said yes.

 

“I know it’s a date, it’s clear as day. She’s not a bad girl but I’m not sure if I’m the dating type. I have good looks sure but my personality is very unattractive. Maybe I should have said no. I may not be the best person for her.”

 

Hanzo pauses, as he knows all too well what this means for Yukika. Knowing how she feels about while finally being able to have him with her on a date. Or at least an outing like this.

 

“But then she would have been sad. I know I go with her shopping from time to time but this is different. Even dinner was a first, in a long while for me. Yet alone how long she’s wanted that. I don’t know maybe I have been without close friends for long enough. A girlfriend is just a really, really close lady friend, it may do me some good. I haven’t had a girlfriend since high school. Maybe this can work. As I have the rational of a fourth graded with adult tendencies. Sigh, I wonder if I should wear something special.”

 

As Hanzo gets into his bed, he continues to think on what he should do and wear. As he drifts into sleep. When he wakes up, just before his shift, Hanzo decides to clean all his cloths for the date to be able to have a good outfit to wear for Yukika. She’s been trying to get Hanzo to come with her somewhere ever since he moved in. Just the two of them but he has declined every time until now. During his break, he is able to transfer his cloths to dry and bring them back to his apartment. Once he got off work, Hanzo is now wondering exactly what to wear. He decides to keep it simple with a pair of white pants with a black sweater with a white t-shirt underneath. It saves time for him, while keeping it simple like he wanted. While it still looks presentable because the sweater looks like it belongs to a model. Which is good enough for Hanzo. As 7pm rolls around an excited yet soft knock on the door can be heard as Yukika shows up.

 

“Are you ready?”

 

Hearing Yukika, Hanzo answers the door for her. After opening the door, seeing Yukik, she is in a nice white summer dress with a blue crop top coat with her long black hair off to the right side of her shoulder. Beside himself at how beautiful she looks, he jokingly yet honestly thinks she is someone else. Pausing to make sure who she is, he stares at her with a questioning look.

 

“Excuse me miss you must have me mistaken for someone else.”

 

Yukika is immediately flustered at Hanzo for making fun of her.

 

“It’s me Hanzo!  Geez you can be really mean sometimes.”

 

After confirming that it is Yukika. He gives a mischievous grin and a chuckle to Yukika’s response.

 

“Where’s the fun in being nice all the time.”

 

With a sincere smile, Hanzo gazes at Yukika one more time in reserved astonishment. Shrugging his shoulders due to his hands being in his pocket by habit.

 

“You look great, so great I honestly didn’t recognize you for a second but who else would knock on my door now.”

 

Yukika blushes, while twisting her hair in a flirtatious, shy manner. Before she can respond, Hanzo decides to break the tension with some rather crude humor.

 

“Unless you were an ex trying to get back with me. Then that would be something else.”

 

Yukika is tired of Hanzo’s teasing to an extent. She punches Hanzo in the chest hard, due to his over teasing. Her own version of payback for now.

 

“Jerk.”

 

The hit leaves Hanzo stunned and at a loss for breath. It defiantly makes him reconsider his constant teasing.

 

“I can’t breathe. Do you box for a living.”

 

After recovering, they set off for the movie. While on the way there, there is an awkward silence due to the admiration of how each other look. They keep exchanging glances, as some of the passenger’s glance over to them. Noticing the cute couple, they make. As they reach the stop for the movie, heading towards the crosswalk. As they make their way across the roar of an engine can be heard. A car coming up fast didn’t pay attention to the stop light. As it races towards them Yukika has a slow reaction and is frozen with fear. Hanzo lifts her and pushes her out of the way as the car hits him. Yukika is thrown to the other side of walk. As she tries to turn back to help, she can only see the sight of Hanzo being hit by the car.

 

“Hanzo!!”

 

Hanzo lays on the ground watching Yukika race towards him. He begins blacking in and out as his life flashes before his eyes, while thinking to himself in his final moments.

 

“Aw man. Is this really it, my life really didn’t make a mark did it. At least Yukika is okay.”

 

Yukika is frantically trying to help Hanzo, as she looks for help from the gathering crowd.

 

“Hanzo please get up. Help someone call for an ambulance.”

 

“Don’t be so sad. You can find better than me. I only wanted to live in my house to keep my peace. You look like the kind of girl who should see the world with the guy she loves. I’m not the right guy for that. I’m sorry that things ended like this.”

 

As those final thoughts cross his mind Hanzo fades away. As he wakes up, he finds himself in a very bright white room. Where a beautiful young woman is sitting in front of him.

 

“Where am I? Who’s the….the gorgeous woman? Wait didn’t I get hit by a car? “

 

Hanzo thinks about the situation and circumstances at hand. Collecting himself, he calmly realizes what exactly has happened.

 

“Ah, I died.”

 

The woman has chills roll up her spine at the sight of Hanzo talking to himself. She can’t bring herself to stop him either because it just seems like creepy mutterings to her. She responds quickly to make sure that she can complete her task quickly.

 

“I appreciate that you figured that out on your own but don’t talk to yourself it’s not healthy, its creepy and Im right here.”

 

Hanzo looks over to the woman with a taken back look to her rude remark. While the woman collects herself, beings to present a bright, warm glow from herself.

 

“Ahem, I am the goddess Yui, a goddess of life, purity and honesty. Your selfless act of courage and sacrifice saved that girl. She had so much love for you but you saved her from any harm. The world could always use more heroes. So, hero, I can give you your life back, but in exchange I ask you to protect another world from the Master phantoms and demons trying to destroy it. Once your task is complete I can send you home or help you be remembered as a hero in that world from I can give you two gifts but that is all, what will it be?”

 

Hanzo hears this knowing that he could be sent to a new world to fight but doesn’t want that. Seeing as there’s no reason not to ask. Hanzo decides to go for broke.

 

“Can you send me back?”

 

“You can go back, if you complete the task and reap the rewards as a hero, oh hero.”

 

Hanzo is a little flustered at her quick response, while having that unnatural bubbly smile. At this point, Hanzo knows it can’t be helped. Though he is not the least bit excited about this coming prospect. Nor did he ever think he would end up in a situation like this

 

“Am I a hero or not? (sigh) Hmmm, it’s one of those situations. Gotta admit didn’t really think this would happen. Yet alone be real. I didn’t really sign up for this.”

 

Hanzo thinks on his last moments saving Yukika. Giving a slight smile to himself as he thinks on the feelings she had for him. Knowing he did the right thing.

“I couldn’t just let Yukika die, that’s wrong. We probably both could have lived if I tried harder but we both could have gotten hurt too. I guess that makes me a hero but I don’t want the hassle of being a full blown one like the comics. I usually don’t do that kind of thing or at least that extreme. I don’t like seeing people get hurt but it’s different with Yukika. She’s been there for me and her feelings. You know what I mean. Wait why am I thinking like I’m talking to someone?” Well I guess this happens in this unreal sort of situation.

 

Hanzo decides to give the choices some real thought. He doesn’t want to go into a world where he must fight to survive or achieve some kind of legacy or legend. Though he also doesn’t want to go to heaven yet. He wants be able to more thoroughly enjoy the remaining days of his life. If he will go to the new world his current age.

 

“Okay, let’s think this over a little, pros versus cons.”

 

“Um hello? Can we decide this year? I have other people to judge for this job, if you don’t want it I can just send you to heaven, but I gotta be honest. It’s really boring there, sure there’s no worry, no pain, no suffering but people there only talk about how good it is every day, desire is removed so no wants anything everything is just there, ya know. So why not have a change of pace.”

 

Hanzo glances up with an annoyed look in his eyes. He just as suddenly goes back to his thinking on the situation Yui begins to become nervous, that he may decide to go to heaven. As she ponders to herself about why she needs him to go.

 

“A lot of people usually turn this down nowadays. I need to send more people there to clean up that mess. No telling if the others I sent died, unless they die…again. It always good to have back up plans for heroes.”

 

“What was that?”

 

Thinking that Hanzo may have heard her. She tries to sweep it away and return to his answer. Whatever that may be.

 

“Oh, nothing but please hurry and decide.”

 

Hanzo clearly heard what she had to say, further flustering him. With a begrudging sigh, he continues his thought process.

 

“She doesn’t think I heard her but I did. I don’t want to be a cog in a machine just appease some goddess. Especially one I have never heard of. Wait I can be granted two gifts. She never said what they had to be or any restriction. If I can get a decent power then I can just live there with no worries. While enjoying what would have been the remaining days of my life, instead of being bored or just singing the praises of heaven. I’d like to live a little more. This might work out better too, no bills, no real work, just trips back and forth between town. That should be easy to learn as well.

 

Hanzo has finally made up his mind, but doesn’t want to draw the wrath of the goddess for tricking her. Tricking her into giving him a new lease on life. Which is the only thing Hanzo really wants.

 

“Okay, its decided, I’ll do this. Now how do I answer her without drawing suspicion and her just sending me off to heaven anyways. What do the hero types usually say in comics?”

 

A quick second and the thought comes to him in a flash. Clapping his hands together, as he makes his statement leaves the goddess in light shock.

 

“Got it. I choose to go back and protect the lost world from the evil of the demons and phantoms. Saving the everyone in it.”

 

It takes a moment for Hanzo’s comment to set in. As Yui slowly tries to hide her increasing laughter.

 

“Pfft, that’s a little cliched. Did you watch anime or play video games all day while you were alive? That’s just a really lame response. I thought you were actually thinking this through.”

 

Yui can’t hold it in anymore. She bursts into an uncontrollable laughter at the thought of Hanzo’s cliched response. It was so earnest and proud sounding, similar to a lot of people that have come before him.

 

“Nerds are the easiest to get into this since they all want to be heroes. If I had a dime for every person that said something similar, I’d be able to give someone some decent money going into the new world … but that lame response, hahaha! It’s the cliched of the cliched! Hahaha, I can’t breathe … I’m okay, I’m sorry. I hear that a lot. Now, what will your gifts be?”

 

Hanzo is becoming increasingly annoyed with the goddess. He takes in a deep breath as he mutters to himself.

 

“Tch, annoying Goddess. It doesn’t matter, I won’t have to deal with her much longer. She is cute, shame she has a piss poor attitude or personality, don’t know which.”

 

Once Hanzo calms himself, he thinks on what power he should ask for. It seems like something he should have more time to think on. It’s a power that will aid him, he wants be sure that power is worth having.

 

“Could I ask for a blessing that gives me three wishes?”

 

Yui gives pause before responding with a disgruntled sigh.

 

“You can ask for that as long as it’s only three wishes. It’s already technically cheating as you would have five blessings in that regard. Because blessings and wishes are the same.”

 

Curious, Hanzo questions the stipulations behind his “wishes” request.”

 

“Is there a reason for only three wishes? What can I do with them?

 

Yui is tired of how long Hanzo has already been in her area. As she bluntly answers his questions.

 

“It takes a lot of power from us to even grant you these blessings. I for one, am not going to guy for a cliché like you. As for what you can do, it’s more so what you can’t do. While you can use the wishes at any time. You can’t bring people back to life. You can’t go back home, only the boss has that kind of power. You can’t make anyone fall in love with you. No matter how lonely you’d be.”

 

Hanzo doesn’t like her tone towards him in the least. But he decides to endure it to gain more information

 

“Anything else”

 

“You can’t make yourself the strongest person in the world or make yourself the richest. It would steal those from the person that is either of those. It would steal the wealth of the richest and kill the strongest for its power. It wouldn’t be able to give you a phantoms power, as these blessings don’t work on demons or phantoms.”

 

Yui remembers as similar situation to her own remark. She remarks on that situation as she also thinks about it.

 

“There was one guy who tried it. The first and only actually. We didn’t know if it would work so we tried it. Turns out these blessings don’t work yet holy attributed attacks or magics do. Weird, right?”

 

Yui gathers herself after pondering that and quickly ends the explanation. To hopefully get Hanzo out soon.

 

“Anyways, most of the other rules behind the wishes are similar to that one children’s movie, you have on earth. The one with the genie. Oh and any way, shape or form of the phrase “I wish” will use up a wish. So, do be careful with your wording”

 

Hanzo ponders all the information before him. The wishes could be very useful as he gathers more information about the world. He can then use his wishes as he sees fit but has to be careful not to want anything no matter how much he may not want to do something.

 

“Okay, I want the wishes, please.”

 

Yui is relieved that he’s finally decided on one of the blessings but is slightly disgusted at the thought of such power being in Hanzo’s hands

 

“Wow, not only are you cliched but you’re just boring. You want to be that OP, I hope you really get the job done. If you come back dead, you’re going to be the laughing stock of the gods. I can’t believe someone like you would be so boring as to have such a power, it won’t even make a good story to tell. How tragic, (sigh) oh well, what is the second gift you want, not like there’s much else though.”

 

The last straw has finally broken. Hanzo is infuriated with Yui’s last comment. Just because she’s a goddess doesn’t mean she is above manners. Manners she sorely lacks in Hanzo’s eyes.

 

“You ask for my help and judge me!! No, its okay, its fine, it’s alright.

 

Hanzo collects himself long enough to make a very interesting choice.

 

“I know how I’m going to fix this. Some things just can’t be granted through power alone. I’m going to need some friends when I get there, someone that knows the place. So, I’m choosing you as my second gift.”

 

Yui returns to her former elegant and grand disposition. Until she realizes what Hanzo has asked for.

 

“Okay I will now bestow you with……wait WHAT, you weren’t supposed to pick me! That’s not an option, and since I’m not an option you have to pick something else.

 

A simple jingle can be heard loudly across the room. As Yui searches herself to find a modern looking phone. She picks it up calmly only to return to her frantic state.

 

“Wait I’m getting a message on my god phone……it’s okay, WHY! I’m not suited for fighting, since when are we up to be a gift? Hello, boss, boss, BOSS!! Why would you pick me, what did I do to you? I’m sorry please don’t pick me”

 

A white light envelope the both of them as they begin to disappear. With a mischivious grin and cackle, Hanzo looks to the sky in the white room.

 

“It seems like it’s too late for take backs, I picked you because you fill the role It helps that you are beautiful but you need some work on your attitude or personality, still don’t know which. Looks like I can now help with that.

 

Yui frantically searches for a way out of the white light as she continues to fade.

 

“YOU MONSTER!! Lecher, pervert, you only want me for my body! Boss this guy isn’t as pure as we thought! BOSS!! Wait, beautiful?

 

Hearing Hanzo’s comment, she stops her search and begins shyly talking fast.

 

“Well, I do my best to keep my hair nice. To smell good and I always pick new cloths to greet people in after a thousand years. Wait no!”

 

In the blink of an eye they are transported into a desert like area in the new world, where nothing looks to be in sight for miles except for more desert and a small mountain. When they land, Yui landed right in the middle of a patch of sand, dusted herself off and got up, trying to collect herself. She took one look at the desolate, hot desert that surrounded the two of them and her jaw hit the floor.

 

“We just got here and we’re already gonna die!”

 

While Yui’s anguished cries continued, Hanzo began to look around at the surrounds. With a scorpion walking in front of their path as Yui continued to pace and whine. She made such a racket that Hanzo had to walk away to be able to get their bearings and concentrate. While still being annoyed by her.

 

“Didn’t expect to land in a spot like this. I’m guessing this is your fault somehow. Not even a minute here and its already a pain in the ass being here.”

 

Yui doesn’t take kindly to his words, even if they were to tease her.

 

“How can this be my fault! You’re the one who was originally scheduled to come here alone.”

 

Remembering that Hanzo has the wishes for his blessing. She begins to beg him to get them to safety.

 

“You’re a hero, fix this. What happen to that heroism a minute ago? You better not be getting cold feet with your power! Fix this, wish us to the closest town.”

 

“No, I’m not wasting a wish on you. Your boss, only knows when we might need to use these and what for. Two of them anyways, because I need power. So, shut up and let me concentrate. To answer your second question, it didn’t go anywhere because I never had any, I lied to get here.”

 

Yui is appalled at this revelation. She knows there isn’t a real way for her to gauge their true intentions before leaving. But everyone she has dealt with always had the same excitement he showed when he made his proclamation. She’s furious.

 

“What! Blasphemy, I demand to be allowed back home.”

 

While walking away from Hanzo. She yells towards the sky, whining even more.

 

“Boss, Boss let me come home, condemn this idiot, I’m sorry, Sure, I laughed at him, but just let me come back, please, please, please.”

 

Hanzo decides to ignore everything around him, including Yui to concentrate. As well as to control his annoyance level. Somewhat regretting making his choice to bring her out of spite, teasing, beauty. Seeing as it may not be worth it anymore.

 

“Shesh she doesn’t shut up. It’d be too much of a welcomed change. Now, let’s see what we can find out here.”

 

In the distance behind him. Yui can be heard clear as water. Continuing her complaining and incessant whining.

 

“Who knows how long that will be before something happens. We’re dead, we’re so dead, why, why me. I’ve done my job well why do I deserve to be punished like this.”

 

Yui finally stops her whining as her complaining turns to tears and crying. Hanzo is ignoring her as scans the land further trying to see if there might be any figure they can make out. Or someone coming towards them from a direction.

Just as suddenly as they came, her tears stop as both her and Hanzo see a caravan coming into view from the only mountain into view. The sight of the caravan brings Yui to tears again, this time, tears of happiness.

 

“We’re saved!!! Thank you Boss.”

 

Hanzo and Yui race towards the caravan. Once it becomes clear to the caravan leader that they are headed towards them, he slows the caravan down. Once they reach one another, the caravan leader pulls his cart up to Hanzo and Yui

 

“Hey, are you people alright? It aint safe to be out here in the desert like that. Do you need help?”

 

For some reason, Yui has decided to hide behind Hanzo as they walk up to speak. Shaking his head, Hanzo takes the lead to speak with the Caravan leader.

 

“Yes sir, we’re lost. We we’re on our way to visit some friends then got attacked by some bandits as we wound up here like this.”

 

The caravan leaders soft hear melts at the news. As he is reminisce with the current state of the world in mind.

 

“You poor people, bandits are everywhere these days. World going to hell with the demon’s n phantoms n all that. Hopefully a hero will safe us.”

 

Hanzo doesn’t want to be found out that he is a new hero sent. Not knowing how that goes in the new world. Weather heroes are celebrated or randomly emerge, he gives a nervous chuckle.

 

“We can only hope right.”

 

“We can help yall out, we’re headed to Misty Mistral. It’s a nice little oasis around the way.”

 

Hanzo sees this as an opportunity to head to a good city. With no other options on hand, Hanzo decides that Misty Mistral is their next destination.

 

“That’s where we were headed, it would be a great help if you could get us there.”

 

Yui is still annoyed with Hanzo over coming to the new world. As she pops her head from behind Hanzo’s shoulder. She makes a claim to leave hanzo behind.

 

“Don’t bring this guy with you, he’s a big idiot and a fraud. All you need is to take little ol me.”

 

The Caravan leader thinks there is a relationship between Yui and Hanzo. He doesn’t want to meddle with their affairs but wants to prioritize their safety.

 

“I don’t like getting in the middle of a fight between lovers but ma’m you are going to die if yall stay out here much longer.”

 

Hanzo and Yui are immediately disgusted at the comment. With a pained, disappointed look they respond to the caravan leader.

 

“No, no, no, we are not a couple.”

 

“Ah, ex’s I getcha. Anyhow there’s an empty cart just behind me, hop in and we should be there in a few hours.”

 

Hanzo wants to argue further that he never has nor does he ever want to be in a relationship with Yui. He instead, decides to let it go. Deciding to show his gratefulness in its place.

 

“Great, thank you so much. How can we repay you?”

 

Sensing the sincerity in Hanzo’s voice. He reaches for the same level of sincerity, speaking his true intentions.

 

“No charge at all, just glad to help.”

 

“Thank you again, I promise to repay you as soon as possible.”

 

As they head to the cart that the caravan leader spoke of. The leader gives a nod with the tip of his hat to them. As Hanzo and Yui walk into the empty cart, Yui asks.

 

“What do you plan on doing when we reach the town?”

 

Hanzo thinks on the question before deciding to answer honestly. Since she’s here, might as well be up front about everything.

 

“Well I had plan to just build a house just outside of the city we ended up at. I’d live out the rest of my days that way. Simple to the point, no need to do anything unless I absolutely have too.”

 

Yui face becomes blank as she realizes that she’s been played. That he made this plan before they ever arrived.”

 

“You had this planned the whole time?”

Hanzo leans back on his side of the car propping his feet on a box near him as he responds in a smartalick tone.

 

“Yea, you were a bonus. A bonus, I’m starting to regret”

 

“I really can’t believe this. How are going to build a house with no money?”

 

“I’m going to look for a job around here, while looking into what currency is used. How much things are worth and the like. Once I have that figured out, I think I’ll use my first wish. Saves me time and maybe money.

 

“You’re just really lazy, aren’t you? What about the demons and phantoms?”

 

Hanzo gives a sincere serious look. The first one she has ever seen from Hanzo, as she anticipates what he is going to say.

 

“I want to see some of the hero’s here before deciding anything. If there are a lot of them, then there’s no reason to get in their way. It’ll also help to see if they themselves are even doing anything about the problem.”

 

Yui turns away from Hanzo disappointed at his plan but figures it’s something as she decides to take a nap. It’s not long until she hears the caravan leader yell out that they are close.

 

“We’re almost there, another 10 minutes and were all good.”

 

Yui begins to wake up as she sees Hanzo messing with some magic. Curious, she crawls over to him, to see what exactly he is messing with. All she can tell is that its black. Once she gets close enough she sees that its fire and lightening magic. Puzzled at the color choice, she asks.

 

“Why black lightening and black fire? A lot of people may mistake you for an enemyNot a very holy color.”

 

Hanzo is surprised by Yui’ssudden appearance but not enough to startle him. He looks back at the magic in his hand with a gentle smile and huff.

 

“Black is not evil nor represents bad things like most people think. It just happens to be used on a lot of evil characters. Black is the birth of all colors not the absence, “In the beginning there was darkness, then there was light”, meaning we came from darkness. Thus, we find comfort in that because even if we are alone we never really are. Darkness like people is all around us, the light is a guide to the future for us, the hope of the people.”

 

Yui is pleasantly surprised at how Hanzo gave his explanation. She sees him as more of a hero now after hearing this. Though her own feelings of being in the new world get mixed among her thoughts.

 

“That’s a little…That’s pretty good coming from you.”

 

Hanzo lifts his head until he can see an upside down Yui. Slowly leaning back to lay down.

 

“Gotta have something nice set up. Might as well give it some personal meaning otherwise others won’t believe it.”

 

Disappointed, Yui feels as though this another way to hide Hanzo’s fake heroism. She did like what Hanzo said, but cant bring herself to trust it to be genuine.

 

“I knew it, just another way to be a fake hero.”

 

Hanzo becomes highly annoyed with her from her utter lack of trust and tone.

 

“Says the fake goddess.”

 

“I’m not a fake goddess. How else could I give you your powers?”

 

Yui begins to pout over Hanzo’s comments. Seeing how Yui is being, Hanzo decides to take this opportunity to tease her some more. To get out some of his annoyance towards her, the only knows how.

 

“You said you had a boss, you could just be a cute angel with a bad attitude. Plus, I’ve never heard of a goddess named Yui anywhere. Research my worlds history and mythology. You don’t exist.”

 

“How dare you, sure I’m not famous in your world but here. I’m deity revered amongst all other deities. And well, yea I am cute but I’m way stronger than an angel.”

 

As she says this she looks around worried about who heard her and sits closer to Hanzo almost hiding herself.

Discussion (10)

  1. Kyrin Knightsbridge

    Are your two main characters KonoSuba expies? Hanzo and Yui seem extraordinarily similar to Kazuma and Aqua respectively, Not only that, the plot itself bears a remarkable resemblance to that of KonoSuba, to the extent that I didn’t really notice any significant differences between the two.

    I’m afraid the same remarks I made on your earlier piece still apply to this one. Grammar remains an issue – there are at least several places where incorrect grammar made your sentences awkward to read, and it’s really something you need to urgently work on. You also need to check your punctuation and sentence structuring. Remember to break up your longer sentences into shorter, more readable ones, as I’ve noticed a tendency for your sentences to be overly long-winded, which I suspect is a direct cause of some of them meandering away from the initial thrust of the sentence and into details that are tangential at best to the rest of your story.

    A final point regarding dialogue. No self-respecting author should write dialogue in this form – it reads like a script from a play instead of a light novel. The most serious failing arising from this choice of style is a glaring lack of expository prose; your dialogue only tells your readers what the characters say, verbatim, They don’t convey much to the reader aside from that, which leaves your characters mere facsimiles of what you want them to be, and your world you’re describing barren and frankly, more than a little boring. Again, I advise you to read other pieces on this site, or elsewhere, to gain an understanding of how proper dialogue is written. Don’t be afraid to try copying the styles of other authors if you think it’ll improve your writing; as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Don’t be disheartened by my criticism, harsh as it may seem. Keep writing, and I hope to see your future work rise to greater heights.

    1. Giovanni Post author

      I’ll start by asking about the grammar and punctuation’s. If you could give me a specific example, it would help, I’m trying to find it but can’t seem too, as every sentence is short and punctuated with a period at the end for the most part. Are the errors in the smaller paragraph parts of the story the ones that dont have lines from the characters? Some grammar mistakes towards the end is to indentify characters by how they talk. Not everyone talks cleanly, so the Caravan Leader is an example of that but is there anything else that I might be missing?
      While the story is inspired and yes I’d even have to admit another take on its story story style. Hanzo is nothing like Kazuma. The first seven pages worth of information do that. Give the clear difference between him and Kazuma. He is suppose to come off more aloof like Skikamaru from Naruto if I had to make a personality comparision. Especially with his introduction monologue thats the first paragraph. In that regard should add more emotion prefix to the character lines.
      An example like “Hanzo: (aloofly) I guess we can go to the movies.” If that will help with the difference in character then I can do that. At very least though there is a defined difference between Hanzo and Kazuma. Yui, I can give you. I still have to get to where that difference will start showing. She’s meant to come off as Tsundere then when receiving complements she gets very shy and humble. That may be something I need to work on more. Could I do more with the conversation in the cart between the two of them? What can I do to convey that better?
      Lastly does (:) symbol equal to this (-) symbol? If it is then, (“”) this symbol would probably be the better way of showing that this is dialogue from the writers side of things?
      Which example of showing how the character is talking works?

      When Hanzo found out that Yui was capture by a Phantom lord, he went to his room quickly and angrily. To get his weapons and armor.

      Hanzo: I’m going to bring her back and those things pay for messing with us

      or

      Hanzo (Angrily) “I’m going to bring her back and those things pay for messing with us”

    2. Giovanni Post author

      I apologize if I’ve come off a little emotional. While I really do try not to be disheartened, it’s hard when what you’ve conveyed doesn’t come through. This mostly in regards to Hanzo’s character being similar to Kazuma’s. I thought that difference would be conveyed rather easily due to the first seven pages as mentioned before. I guess how do I need to convey to the audience, better that, Hanzo is the way I said?

  2. Kyrin Knightsbridge

    Right, here goes –

    ‘Gotta admit didn’t really think this would happen, yet alone real.’

    ‘Using that, I’ll use it bring some hope for those without it birthing more from the darkness, the unknown me.’

    These are examples of sentences I can’t really make heads or tails of. Contextual clues mean I can at least take a stab at guessing the meaning, but it’s really not what you would want to read in a well-written piece. Grammar-wise these sentences are also rather flawed as written; for one, your clauses don’t logically follow each other, and this does not help the reader’s immersion. I should also point out inconsistencies in your usage of tenses; there are more than a few sentences in which you flip freely between tenses – make sure you’re aware of your choice of tense and apply it consistently throughout your piece.

    When I mentioned punctuation in my critique of your piece, I wasn’t referring exclusively to punctuating your sentences with periods. There are also quite a few places in this piece where you could stand to work on the punctuation. To list but only one example of this, you have –

    ‘Pff that’s a little clichéd. Did you just watch anime all day, play to many video games, that’s just a really lame response and I thought you were actually of thinking this through,.hahahahahaha ah nerds are the easiest to get into this since they want be heroes hahahahahahahah, If I had a dime for every person that said something similar, I’d be able to give someone some decent money going into the new world, but that lame response hahahahahahaha it’s the cliched of the cliched hahahahaha I can’t breathe hahahahaha…….haha (sigh) I’m okay…….…I’m sorry……I hear that a lot…….What will your gifts be?’

    This paragraph consists of, if I’m not mistaken, two sentences, both of which could use better punctuation. Use commas more liberally, at appropriate points, and try to break up your longer sentences into shorter ones. Shorter sentences which are to the point help to retain interest; if you overdo it with the length of your sentences you risk losing your readers before your sentence ends. Contrast your sentence with the one I’ve rewritten for your reference below –

    “Pfft, that’s a little cliched. Did you watch anime or play video games all day while you were alive? That’s just a really lame response. I thought you were actually thinking this through. Nerds are the easiest to get into this since they all want to be heroes. If I had a dime for every person that said something similar, I’d be able to give someone some decent money going into the new world … but that lame response, hahaha! It’s the cliched of the cliched! Hahaha, I can’t breathe … I’m okay, I’m sorry. I hear that a lot. Now, what will your gifts be?”

    I didn’t make any substantial changes to your wording of the paragraph, which you’ll notice is almost identical to what you had down. Instead, I broke your two sentences down into ten sentences. While it still doesn’t flow, nor does it work well as part of a story, it’s at least more readable than it was before.

    Now that we’ve gotten the more technical points out of the way, let’s move on to the stylistic bits. Do not, under any circumstances, write dialogue like –

    “Hanzo: (aloofly) I guess we can go to the movies.”

    This is not what I was talking about when I made reference to your style of writing dialogue in my earlier comment. This is not a style any aspiring author should learn, let alone make actual use of in their work. You’re writing a work of fiction here, not a screenplay. Instead, try doing something like –

    For a few seconds, Hanzo made a show of ignoring Yukika. It wasn’t that he was loath to give her a proper answer, it was just that he didn’t want Yukika to think that he was an easy catch, a soft touch of a man who jumped at the first opportunity to go on a date.

    “I guess we can go to the movies … if you want to.”

    Notice that it’s immediately apparent which character is speaking, eliminating the need for you to preface every single sentence of dialogue with the name of the character. I appreciate that without more intimate knowledge of your characters, I can’t really reproduce what you were visualising in that particular scene, so I’ll provide another example which will hopefully provide a bit more insight.

    Goddess Yui: (As she looks around distraught from being brought to the world, she sees the desert before her) WE JUST GOT HERE AND WE’RE ALREADY GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

    Again, contrast this with –

    The goddess Yui, who’d landed right in the middle of a patch of coarse sand, dusted herself off and got up, trying to get her bearings. She took one look at the desolate desert that surrounded the two of them and her jaw hit the floor.

    “We just got here and we’re already gonna die!”

    Yui’s anguished wails echoed in the eerie silence of the desert. She made such a racket that Hanzo had to hold his hands to his ears. He was pretty sure he would’ve ruptured his eardrums if he hadn’t.

    I cannot emphasise this enough – show us what is happening. Don’t just tell us what your characters are saying, or even tell us, explicitly, what is going on. This is something which you seem to be struggling with – specifically, I was unable to really tell the difference between Hanzo/Yui and Kazuma/Aqua because you haven’t given me many contextual hints to work with. I know this is some pretty abstruse advice, but you should try to write in such a way that your readers are able to visualise the scene you’re describing, as vividly as you see it in your mind’s eye. After you write something down, try rereading it, and imagine the scene from the perspective of someone who is reading your work for the first time.

  3. Justice

    I agree largely with the assessment of @kyrin-knightsbridge regarding your story. Its a rehash of KonoSuba with your male protagonist being taken in a more serious approach. The problem is that show was popular because of the comedy and how those characters responded to the genre of being sent to another world. You’ve taken the comedy out which means you have double your efforts to connect the readers to this version rather then what its based on. Aqua was fairly annoying in my opinion because she never deviates from her original character build in the slightest. There was no growth since day one of meeting her to the end of the show. As a reader, with the comedy aspect removed and to have another Aqua similar character is already going to turn me off. Darkness was my favorite character so if you duplicate that I’m on board. She had layers that Aqua didn’t. Kazuma was disgusted by her masochist behavior and attracted to her because she was a very shy beauty.
    I really suggest a overhaul of how your introducing readers to this world.
    Example: You can make Yui a priestess who resurrects/summons your main character to the world and doesn’t do it right. He can wake up with half his memories gone or he’s half zombie. That gives him a different reason to be disgruntled against Yui. You could have her act the same way as Aqua, believing she did a good job and should be pampered not criticized.
    Also, you tried to create an emotional connection with Yukika and Hanzo which gives reason why we should care about him trying to get home. I think you kind of missed the mark here because the bulk of the story was after his death. Give more of a passionate reason for him to want to get home and why we want to see that happen. Say, Yukika was his only friend and was on the verge of telling him something important and he really wants to know what that was.
    As I told another author who uses the format you have here, its really difficult to immerse myself when stories are written like this. Try this exercise: go find an object and explain its characteristics. The tree looked sad because all the branches were hanging low. The rock looked angry because of the way its eyebrows were drawn. You can give emotion to anything when human qualities are assigned as we as people understand them. When someone has a certain expression they are easily read as either happy or sad. Telling body language can be a first substitute step for you rather then just saying the person is angry.
    Its a decent effort on how you told this story. I actually purchased the light novel to KonoSuba so I was basically reading that all over again here. I really suggest you give this telling a different spin to where it stands out on its own. Not trying to be harsh but this is my honest review. I hope everything mention here and in the other comments is constructive in your future story writing. Thanks for posting it and keep writing!

    1. Giovanni Post author

      I do want to apologize again. I hope that my questions didn’t come off rude. I want to be sure how I convey my story is different enough to stand as its own stories being able to see the differences. “No Blade Dance”, “World Break”, “Asterisk War”, and “Chivalry of A Failed knight”, all have the same standard basis but are different enough from one another that they are their own stories. Though I do know, a lot people don’t like these stories because their similar to one another.
      If I am not conveying my story well enough to differentiate it. That is absolutely my fault. I must find a way to convey it better. Or fix the pieces of the story so that it flows differently. I thought there was enough in my recent edit that Im sure you’ve read. My “skimming” comment refers to when someone sees something the may already know of that makes it hard to read. When someone has read a story with similar qualities its hard to get them from thinking about it. Especially if they liked that story already, placing high expectations on anything similar. If it doesnt then, the reader feels troubled or hassled to finish the reading or just stop all together.
      I guess its more of a harsh critique on myself.

  4. Giovanni Post author

    While this was a problem I knew I was going to run into. I want to keep the story set up thus far. Though there is still comedy in this, my MC is meant to be an aloof, guy, who does have a heart of gold but doesnt want to constantly do nice things for anyone and everyone. Its meant to give more of a “what if they didn’t want to do this but had the power to” mind frame. The opposite of “With great power comes great responsibility.
    I would like to also ask if nothing was really taken from Hanzo’s interactions with Yukika? It wasn’t meant for to there as a reason for him to want to go home. While there is a connecting reason its subtly hinted at during the beginning half. Which that I already love.
    For Yui, she meant to come off in a more Tsundere kind of way. Its partially why I have here react so shyly when her beauty is complimented. It plays another part too later but I want to save that.
    While there wont be a character like darkness per se. I think. Based on what I want, while a character of her class, as in a warrior, will be introduced. But they are trying to be a great warrior but don’t have the slightest clue as to what their doing. She wont be introduced for a while. It’s through hearing about the MC that decides to come to him to be his apprentice.
    There is a assassin character too I want to add. A character that is all about justice and they should snuff out the evil of the world once and for all. With the only one agreeing with her is usually Yui because its something to do or she’s in a “I want to go home” mood.
    I would also like to ask if, as you were reading my piece. Did it immediately pop into your head that “this is basically Konosuba?” ? If so did this affect your reading of the piece, make everything just feel like it was rewritten or worse almost plagiarized? Did these feelings make it harder to read, so skimming took place or almost like a task to finish? I apologize if that sounds rude.
    According to your comments as well, I need to be more descriptive? Could you give me an example of where I wasn’t as descriptive as I could have been.

  5. Justice

    Okay, first let me apology. My comment was from two days ago and today was the day I actually managed to post. So some of my remarks are unfair as I had to go back and reread after your update. There was a lot of improvement made and you removed the errors mentioned. I apologize. About those anime you mentioned, while their basic plot is extremely similar they are all on a different race track. Asterisk War and Chivalry of A Failed knight, school setting, fighting competition, characters meet under poor conditions to become partners. Same plot but executed differently. One is about graduating and the other is finding his sister. Those characters have differently chemistry as well. One is a competitive pairing while the other is a full fledged couple. Similar yes, but vastly different conditions. Same points on World Break and Blade No Dance. They have even more differences as one is a pasted life setup while the other is a current life with dark pasts.
    I would suggest changing the car accident to maybe getting shot protecting Yukika which in the heavenly realm qualifies him as hero material which is why he got a chance in another world. Any change in detail from KonoSuba will help your story stand on its own. Like for instance, if you have seen Ah! My Goddess with Belldandy who is a lovely woman throughout appearing on your set. Maybe have someone like her greet Hanzo at first and with the ‘Belldandy’ character being so charming Hanzo actually wants to go to heaven but Yui shows up at the last minute because she really wants to send him to another world. He gets so mad at Yui that he actually decides to go to the other world and drags Yui along out of spite. You just added a subplot with an extra character as a competition between goddesses right there.
    The Belldandy character doesn’t even have to show up again, you can just have Yui mention how much she hates ‘Miss Perfect’ from time to time. Gives a sense of history for the character, adds drama, and anticipation for if that character appears later on. You can go anywhere or nowhere just by adding another character to the mix and thereby changing everything from the KonoSuba’s setting.
    I’m make another point against my review is that I really don’t like Aqua and Yui reminds me so perfectly well of her. You’re updated version doesn’t give details on how she looks when first introduced. Maybe a paragraph of Hanzo looking at a blonde bombshell or a pixie looking cutie? It would help get Aqua’s face off of Yui right from the start of things.

  6. Giovanni Post author

    I would also like to apologize again. I never want to come off as rude or anything. Which is why I gave my explanation of the previous comment beforehand. Everyone in the community has always been kind and supportive of one another. I’d hate to come off as someone that is the opposite of that. Especially after all the help and criticism that I have received to help me. I really hope that, that sentiment is strongly conveyed. I am highly grateful for any and all critiques.
    I would also like to thank you. This really does help me to think of what I need to do by the 29th for this story.
    Forgive me, if this is a bit much to ask, but would you be okay in reading my other piece “Where Do I Find The Answers?”

  7. Justice

    Trust me guy, nobody is trying to be rude because we’re all apologizing to one another for our comments. This is nothing more then constructive criticism being passed back and forth.

Comments are closed.

Discussion (10)

  1. Kyrin Knightsbridge

    Are your two main characters KonoSuba expies? Hanzo and Yui seem extraordinarily similar to Kazuma and Aqua respectively, Not only that, the plot itself bears a remarkable resemblance to that of KonoSuba, to the extent that I didn’t really notice any significant differences between the two.

    I’m afraid the same remarks I made on your earlier piece still apply to this one. Grammar remains an issue – there are at least several places where incorrect grammar made your sentences awkward to read, and it’s really something you need to urgently work on. You also need to check your punctuation and sentence structuring. Remember to break up your longer sentences into shorter, more readable ones, as I’ve noticed a tendency for your sentences to be overly long-winded, which I suspect is a direct cause of some of them meandering away from the initial thrust of the sentence and into details that are tangential at best to the rest of your story.

    A final point regarding dialogue. No self-respecting author should write dialogue in this form – it reads like a script from a play instead of a light novel. The most serious failing arising from this choice of style is a glaring lack of expository prose; your dialogue only tells your readers what the characters say, verbatim, They don’t convey much to the reader aside from that, which leaves your characters mere facsimiles of what you want them to be, and your world you’re describing barren and frankly, more than a little boring. Again, I advise you to read other pieces on this site, or elsewhere, to gain an understanding of how proper dialogue is written. Don’t be afraid to try copying the styles of other authors if you think it’ll improve your writing; as they say, imitation is the sincerest form of flattery.

    Don’t be disheartened by my criticism, harsh as it may seem. Keep writing, and I hope to see your future work rise to greater heights.

    1. Giovanni Post author

      I’ll start by asking about the grammar and punctuation’s. If you could give me a specific example, it would help, I’m trying to find it but can’t seem too, as every sentence is short and punctuated with a period at the end for the most part. Are the errors in the smaller paragraph parts of the story the ones that dont have lines from the characters? Some grammar mistakes towards the end is to indentify characters by how they talk. Not everyone talks cleanly, so the Caravan Leader is an example of that but is there anything else that I might be missing?
      While the story is inspired and yes I’d even have to admit another take on its story story style. Hanzo is nothing like Kazuma. The first seven pages worth of information do that. Give the clear difference between him and Kazuma. He is suppose to come off more aloof like Skikamaru from Naruto if I had to make a personality comparision. Especially with his introduction monologue thats the first paragraph. In that regard should add more emotion prefix to the character lines.
      An example like “Hanzo: (aloofly) I guess we can go to the movies.” If that will help with the difference in character then I can do that. At very least though there is a defined difference between Hanzo and Kazuma. Yui, I can give you. I still have to get to where that difference will start showing. She’s meant to come off as Tsundere then when receiving complements she gets very shy and humble. That may be something I need to work on more. Could I do more with the conversation in the cart between the two of them? What can I do to convey that better?
      Lastly does (:) symbol equal to this (-) symbol? If it is then, (“”) this symbol would probably be the better way of showing that this is dialogue from the writers side of things?
      Which example of showing how the character is talking works?

      When Hanzo found out that Yui was capture by a Phantom lord, he went to his room quickly and angrily. To get his weapons and armor.

      Hanzo: I’m going to bring her back and those things pay for messing with us

      or

      Hanzo (Angrily) “I’m going to bring her back and those things pay for messing with us”

    2. Giovanni Post author

      I apologize if I’ve come off a little emotional. While I really do try not to be disheartened, it’s hard when what you’ve conveyed doesn’t come through. This mostly in regards to Hanzo’s character being similar to Kazuma’s. I thought that difference would be conveyed rather easily due to the first seven pages as mentioned before. I guess how do I need to convey to the audience, better that, Hanzo is the way I said?

  2. Kyrin Knightsbridge

    Right, here goes –

    ‘Gotta admit didn’t really think this would happen, yet alone real.’

    ‘Using that, I’ll use it bring some hope for those without it birthing more from the darkness, the unknown me.’

    These are examples of sentences I can’t really make heads or tails of. Contextual clues mean I can at least take a stab at guessing the meaning, but it’s really not what you would want to read in a well-written piece. Grammar-wise these sentences are also rather flawed as written; for one, your clauses don’t logically follow each other, and this does not help the reader’s immersion. I should also point out inconsistencies in your usage of tenses; there are more than a few sentences in which you flip freely between tenses – make sure you’re aware of your choice of tense and apply it consistently throughout your piece.

    When I mentioned punctuation in my critique of your piece, I wasn’t referring exclusively to punctuating your sentences with periods. There are also quite a few places in this piece where you could stand to work on the punctuation. To list but only one example of this, you have –

    ‘Pff that’s a little clichéd. Did you just watch anime all day, play to many video games, that’s just a really lame response and I thought you were actually of thinking this through,.hahahahahaha ah nerds are the easiest to get into this since they want be heroes hahahahahahahah, If I had a dime for every person that said something similar, I’d be able to give someone some decent money going into the new world, but that lame response hahahahahahaha it’s the cliched of the cliched hahahahaha I can’t breathe hahahahaha…….haha (sigh) I’m okay…….…I’m sorry……I hear that a lot…….What will your gifts be?’

    This paragraph consists of, if I’m not mistaken, two sentences, both of which could use better punctuation. Use commas more liberally, at appropriate points, and try to break up your longer sentences into shorter ones. Shorter sentences which are to the point help to retain interest; if you overdo it with the length of your sentences you risk losing your readers before your sentence ends. Contrast your sentence with the one I’ve rewritten for your reference below –

    “Pfft, that’s a little cliched. Did you watch anime or play video games all day while you were alive? That’s just a really lame response. I thought you were actually thinking this through. Nerds are the easiest to get into this since they all want to be heroes. If I had a dime for every person that said something similar, I’d be able to give someone some decent money going into the new world … but that lame response, hahaha! It’s the cliched of the cliched! Hahaha, I can’t breathe … I’m okay, I’m sorry. I hear that a lot. Now, what will your gifts be?”

    I didn’t make any substantial changes to your wording of the paragraph, which you’ll notice is almost identical to what you had down. Instead, I broke your two sentences down into ten sentences. While it still doesn’t flow, nor does it work well as part of a story, it’s at least more readable than it was before.

    Now that we’ve gotten the more technical points out of the way, let’s move on to the stylistic bits. Do not, under any circumstances, write dialogue like –

    “Hanzo: (aloofly) I guess we can go to the movies.”

    This is not what I was talking about when I made reference to your style of writing dialogue in my earlier comment. This is not a style any aspiring author should learn, let alone make actual use of in their work. You’re writing a work of fiction here, not a screenplay. Instead, try doing something like –

    For a few seconds, Hanzo made a show of ignoring Yukika. It wasn’t that he was loath to give her a proper answer, it was just that he didn’t want Yukika to think that he was an easy catch, a soft touch of a man who jumped at the first opportunity to go on a date.

    “I guess we can go to the movies … if you want to.”

    Notice that it’s immediately apparent which character is speaking, eliminating the need for you to preface every single sentence of dialogue with the name of the character. I appreciate that without more intimate knowledge of your characters, I can’t really reproduce what you were visualising in that particular scene, so I’ll provide another example which will hopefully provide a bit more insight.

    Goddess Yui: (As she looks around distraught from being brought to the world, she sees the desert before her) WE JUST GOT HERE AND WE’RE ALREADY GONNA DIE!!!!!!!!

    Again, contrast this with –

    The goddess Yui, who’d landed right in the middle of a patch of coarse sand, dusted herself off and got up, trying to get her bearings. She took one look at the desolate desert that surrounded the two of them and her jaw hit the floor.

    “We just got here and we’re already gonna die!”

    Yui’s anguished wails echoed in the eerie silence of the desert. She made such a racket that Hanzo had to hold his hands to his ears. He was pretty sure he would’ve ruptured his eardrums if he hadn’t.

    I cannot emphasise this enough – show us what is happening. Don’t just tell us what your characters are saying, or even tell us, explicitly, what is going on. This is something which you seem to be struggling with – specifically, I was unable to really tell the difference between Hanzo/Yui and Kazuma/Aqua because you haven’t given me many contextual hints to work with. I know this is some pretty abstruse advice, but you should try to write in such a way that your readers are able to visualise the scene you’re describing, as vividly as you see it in your mind’s eye. After you write something down, try rereading it, and imagine the scene from the perspective of someone who is reading your work for the first time.

  3. Justice

    I agree largely with the assessment of @kyrin-knightsbridge regarding your story. Its a rehash of KonoSuba with your male protagonist being taken in a more serious approach. The problem is that show was popular because of the comedy and how those characters responded to the genre of being sent to another world. You’ve taken the comedy out which means you have double your efforts to connect the readers to this version rather then what its based on. Aqua was fairly annoying in my opinion because she never deviates from her original character build in the slightest. There was no growth since day one of meeting her to the end of the show. As a reader, with the comedy aspect removed and to have another Aqua similar character is already going to turn me off. Darkness was my favorite character so if you duplicate that I’m on board. She had layers that Aqua didn’t. Kazuma was disgusted by her masochist behavior and attracted to her because she was a very shy beauty.
    I really suggest a overhaul of how your introducing readers to this world.
    Example: You can make Yui a priestess who resurrects/summons your main character to the world and doesn’t do it right. He can wake up with half his memories gone or he’s half zombie. That gives him a different reason to be disgruntled against Yui. You could have her act the same way as Aqua, believing she did a good job and should be pampered not criticized.
    Also, you tried to create an emotional connection with Yukika and Hanzo which gives reason why we should care about him trying to get home. I think you kind of missed the mark here because the bulk of the story was after his death. Give more of a passionate reason for him to want to get home and why we want to see that happen. Say, Yukika was his only friend and was on the verge of telling him something important and he really wants to know what that was.
    As I told another author who uses the format you have here, its really difficult to immerse myself when stories are written like this. Try this exercise: go find an object and explain its characteristics. The tree looked sad because all the branches were hanging low. The rock looked angry because of the way its eyebrows were drawn. You can give emotion to anything when human qualities are assigned as we as people understand them. When someone has a certain expression they are easily read as either happy or sad. Telling body language can be a first substitute step for you rather then just saying the person is angry.
    Its a decent effort on how you told this story. I actually purchased the light novel to KonoSuba so I was basically reading that all over again here. I really suggest you give this telling a different spin to where it stands out on its own. Not trying to be harsh but this is my honest review. I hope everything mention here and in the other comments is constructive in your future story writing. Thanks for posting it and keep writing!

    1. Giovanni Post author

      I do want to apologize again. I hope that my questions didn’t come off rude. I want to be sure how I convey my story is different enough to stand as its own stories being able to see the differences. “No Blade Dance”, “World Break”, “Asterisk War”, and “Chivalry of A Failed knight”, all have the same standard basis but are different enough from one another that they are their own stories. Though I do know, a lot people don’t like these stories because their similar to one another.
      If I am not conveying my story well enough to differentiate it. That is absolutely my fault. I must find a way to convey it better. Or fix the pieces of the story so that it flows differently. I thought there was enough in my recent edit that Im sure you’ve read. My “skimming” comment refers to when someone sees something the may already know of that makes it hard to read. When someone has read a story with similar qualities its hard to get them from thinking about it. Especially if they liked that story already, placing high expectations on anything similar. If it doesnt then, the reader feels troubled or hassled to finish the reading or just stop all together.
      I guess its more of a harsh critique on myself.

  4. Giovanni Post author

    While this was a problem I knew I was going to run into. I want to keep the story set up thus far. Though there is still comedy in this, my MC is meant to be an aloof, guy, who does have a heart of gold but doesnt want to constantly do nice things for anyone and everyone. Its meant to give more of a “what if they didn’t want to do this but had the power to” mind frame. The opposite of “With great power comes great responsibility.
    I would like to also ask if nothing was really taken from Hanzo’s interactions with Yukika? It wasn’t meant for to there as a reason for him to want to go home. While there is a connecting reason its subtly hinted at during the beginning half. Which that I already love.
    For Yui, she meant to come off in a more Tsundere kind of way. Its partially why I have here react so shyly when her beauty is complimented. It plays another part too later but I want to save that.
    While there wont be a character like darkness per se. I think. Based on what I want, while a character of her class, as in a warrior, will be introduced. But they are trying to be a great warrior but don’t have the slightest clue as to what their doing. She wont be introduced for a while. It’s through hearing about the MC that decides to come to him to be his apprentice.
    There is a assassin character too I want to add. A character that is all about justice and they should snuff out the evil of the world once and for all. With the only one agreeing with her is usually Yui because its something to do or she’s in a “I want to go home” mood.
    I would also like to ask if, as you were reading my piece. Did it immediately pop into your head that “this is basically Konosuba?” ? If so did this affect your reading of the piece, make everything just feel like it was rewritten or worse almost plagiarized? Did these feelings make it harder to read, so skimming took place or almost like a task to finish? I apologize if that sounds rude.
    According to your comments as well, I need to be more descriptive? Could you give me an example of where I wasn’t as descriptive as I could have been.

  5. Justice

    Okay, first let me apology. My comment was from two days ago and today was the day I actually managed to post. So some of my remarks are unfair as I had to go back and reread after your update. There was a lot of improvement made and you removed the errors mentioned. I apologize. About those anime you mentioned, while their basic plot is extremely similar they are all on a different race track. Asterisk War and Chivalry of A Failed knight, school setting, fighting competition, characters meet under poor conditions to become partners. Same plot but executed differently. One is about graduating and the other is finding his sister. Those characters have differently chemistry as well. One is a competitive pairing while the other is a full fledged couple. Similar yes, but vastly different conditions. Same points on World Break and Blade No Dance. They have even more differences as one is a pasted life setup while the other is a current life with dark pasts.
    I would suggest changing the car accident to maybe getting shot protecting Yukika which in the heavenly realm qualifies him as hero material which is why he got a chance in another world. Any change in detail from KonoSuba will help your story stand on its own. Like for instance, if you have seen Ah! My Goddess with Belldandy who is a lovely woman throughout appearing on your set. Maybe have someone like her greet Hanzo at first and with the ‘Belldandy’ character being so charming Hanzo actually wants to go to heaven but Yui shows up at the last minute because she really wants to send him to another world. He gets so mad at Yui that he actually decides to go to the other world and drags Yui along out of spite. You just added a subplot with an extra character as a competition between goddesses right there.
    The Belldandy character doesn’t even have to show up again, you can just have Yui mention how much she hates ‘Miss Perfect’ from time to time. Gives a sense of history for the character, adds drama, and anticipation for if that character appears later on. You can go anywhere or nowhere just by adding another character to the mix and thereby changing everything from the KonoSuba’s setting.
    I’m make another point against my review is that I really don’t like Aqua and Yui reminds me so perfectly well of her. You’re updated version doesn’t give details on how she looks when first introduced. Maybe a paragraph of Hanzo looking at a blonde bombshell or a pixie looking cutie? It would help get Aqua’s face off of Yui right from the start of things.

  6. Giovanni Post author

    I would also like to apologize again. I never want to come off as rude or anything. Which is why I gave my explanation of the previous comment beforehand. Everyone in the community has always been kind and supportive of one another. I’d hate to come off as someone that is the opposite of that. Especially after all the help and criticism that I have received to help me. I really hope that, that sentiment is strongly conveyed. I am highly grateful for any and all critiques.
    I would also like to thank you. This really does help me to think of what I need to do by the 29th for this story.
    Forgive me, if this is a bit much to ask, but would you be okay in reading my other piece “Where Do I Find The Answers?”

  7. Justice

    Trust me guy, nobody is trying to be rude because we’re all apologizing to one another for our comments. This is nothing more then constructive criticism being passed back and forth.

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