This group is for writers and readers.
Here are the new rules:
1. If you are writing or have written stories you want to share with the VicsLab.com community, you can add your stories to this group, but we ask that you also leave feedback on another member’s story.
2. If you don’t have any stories of your own and just want to read stories, the authors would appreciate it if you leave feedback.
Anyone can join the conversation. Members also can create and comment via forum topics to discuss certain aspects of the stories, such as characters, plot, theme, style, and setting.
—
If you already have a story on your profile page under your “Stories” tab, you can add that story to the group by selecting the document and then selecting “associated groups.” There you can select this group so it can be seen here. Please select “logged-in users” for your story’s privacy settings if you don’t want non-members to view it. Also, please select “Doc author only” under editing privileges if you don’t want others to edit your work (i.e., make changes to your story).
Apostle Chapter 2
Chapter 2 - The Fear
--------------------------------------
82nd Floor??? How did I end up in a dungeon and so far inside??? Who were those people in the room with me??
What is this beast??
"Th-there must be some mistake? 82nd floor? Why would I be here?"
"---HUMAN FUNNY---BUT I HUNGRY--"
"Eh?"
"----NEVER..EAT HUMAN MEAT..LONG TIME--" He wants to eat me? Of course the way he eating all those bodies
and the way he was looking at me like some fresh meat.
"No-no I just want to leave this place, theres no need to eat me. I shall leave now and you can continue doing what
you were doing"
I tried to get away as fast as I can. Didnt look back. Theres no need to be here. I need to get away. But where?
If what he says is true then how am I going to go to the 82nd floor? Why would I be in a place like how it is in
anime and rpg games? Hmm? Games and anime? I can remember?
"-----NOOOOOO!!!!---HUMAN STAY--I EAT YOU!!---"
"Eh? No!" The beast grabbed me and threw me against the wall inside the room.
"Arrgg?! (cough)" That hurt! More than my broken ribs! It hurts..it hurts so badly.
"--HUMAN WEAK--HAHAHA---""---HUMAN NOT LIKE OTHERS---"
Damn! How can I get away from him? He obviously wants to eat me! He's so big and he's too strong. I noticed the bodies
are on the floor near me. Most are half eaten. I spewed....horrible smell... I see something on the floor near one of
the bodies. A dagger? Haha whats wrong me? What can a dagger can do against that? Its hopeless..
"---HUMAN STOP STRUGGLING?--GOOOOOD---I EAT YOU NICE---" I just lay there looking at the beast.
The beast got closer and opens its mouth. When it got close enough I stabbed its eyes with the dagger.
"---AAAAHHHHHHHHHHHH-----(ROOOOOOOAAAAARRRRRRR)" Such a load shout. I ran away with the dagger in hand. Out the exit.
Finally made it out of that room. The air is a bit better now so its slightly easier to breathe. But I cant stop now
that beast will probably come after me. I am in a narrow passage its still dark but seems to be going straight.
"--HUMAN---!!!"
"Shit!" Got to run and hide from him! I cant beat him! That throw was enough to let me know how strong he is.
"----I WILL FIND YOU!!!---AND TEAR YOU APART---!"
I felt a shiver as he said that. I carried on running. I see something in a distance
"Light?" Yes!! Maybe theres someone down here?
I ran towards the light and ended up out of the passage. A bit bright but my eyes adjusted quickly. Theres light. But its
coming from rocks? No from crystals? I was saddened that theres nobody around but I can see at least. Looking around
this definitely a cave of some sort. So its probably not wrong to think this might actually be a dungeon? Shit this
is no time to be thinking about these things. I need to hide or lose him somehow. When you think dungeon you think
about floors and you think about floors then there must be stairs!!
I was still running around even though my body is still hurting like hell. Im still looking for the stairs. But its
strange. He said this is a dungeon? But where are the monsters? Where are the other humans? Wait..did he eat them all?
Theres blood in some areas I went passed. Was he the one that killed all those people in the room? But why am I alive
then? And why was that one body moving?
"Ackk!! So many questions!" The dagger still in my hand. It really did help but its probably no going to work again.
"---HUMAN!!!!!!---"
Shit he's getting closer?! But I cant run any faster than this with my injuries. I just got hope I find the stairs
before he catches me. Well..like that makes any difference to my situation. I am hoping the next floor is different.
I can hear the ground shaking.
"---I CAN SMELL YOU!!!---"
He's right behind me!! Please stairs where are you?? What if I already passed it? Shit I cant think like that.
Im getting tired of running my legs are paining. But I cant stop no matter what! Suddenly something flew right pass
me.
"What was--?" Eh? A boulder? He threw a boulder thrice my size??! What???!
Chapter one to your story at the time of this review is missing, so my review may not reflect 100% accurate critiquing. My reviews come off very harsh, however I ask you don’t take it personally. I’m just giving my two cents as a fellow author to help you improve.
First, I’m a stickler for visual details. You have to describe what it is I’m seeing with your words. Your beast figure can be a block of tofu with eyes, arms, and teeth because of what little detail is provided. I recommend that you describe what it is the character is seeing and give physical reactions of exaggerated features. Shaky knees, loss of bladder control, uncontrollable whimpering.
Example: Its muscular form stood and was well pass my height by like–a lot. I shudder to think what would happen if I found myself in the grips of this beast’s enormous clawed hands. I’d be squashed like a ripe tomato and just be an addition to this place’s gory motif.
The protagonist needs some sort of visual description as well. I don’t even know what gender your character is. Its going to be hard as a reader to connect to this person. Is the person naked? Do they have long hair? All I know is that he/she is in a fight or flight situation and is physically outmatched by their foe. Granted, this could be the fault of not having access to chapter one at this time to clear the problem up.
Dialogue is also stiff. “No-no I just want to leave this place, theres no need to eat me. I shall leave now and you can continue doing what you were doing”
Ex: “I uh, haha. I’m sure I taste awful. No! I assure you I taste gross.” What am I saying? I’m chopping down on my own fingers trying to prove I’m not tasty. I need to amscray right now. This thing–this beast is wanting to eat me. “I’m just passing through. So, I’ll just leave to enjoy your…uh, dinner?”
You don’t need so many punctuation markers such as additional questions and exclamations, at last not as often. I have a tendency to do this myself, but too much dulls the importance of the multi usage of these punctuations to empathize a point.
Now this is your story, you can write it however long you want but its a bit short to be called a chapter. Its more of a passage to a chapter in my opinion.
I’m getting a vibe similar to the anime ‘Grimgar Ashes and Illusions’. The characters doesn’t know who they are and is thrust into a fantasy setting. Might want to give the show a look and use as a example to help you with your story. You got the foundation of a story, just needs some work.
Ohhh thank you for the comment and the advice :D. I also realized after doing some more chapters that theres some finer details that are missing and that im also not being very descriptive. At a later stage I will edit Chapter 1 – 7 following your advice. (Ch5-7 Not uploaded here) Chapter 1 is still waiting for moderation for some reason but there are some details on the beast in this chapter. However the MC doesn’t have memories but is remembering stuff as time goes. He still doesn’t know exactly how he looks because theres always something happening to him. He never really has the time, his main goal to leave the dungeon.
I watched “Grimgar Ashes and Illusions” but I didn’t use it as reference. A good series though.
The chapters are abit short I admit. Im actually trying to follow the length of other light novels.
Anyway thank you for your review 🙂