Players Unite

Hey guys this is my first Light Novel 🙃 im remaking this and continuing my work i hope the LN i made isn't that bad.

Discussion (1)

  1. Justice

    I’ll be upfront, I only read as far as page 6 of your story. ‘Show, don’t tell’. The manner in which you have written is more of a report to me as a reader then showcasing a story. Several major events occurred from where I stopped reading and no time was granted to absorb them before you moved on.
    I’ll use an example, the meeting with Shikari was done and over with in a few short paragraphs and even littler dialog. You used a classic trope and told the reader what happened. That event alone could be worth two or more pages of showing. You need to put yourself in the character’s shoes and show the reader that this is a living breathing world. I’m leaving a sample below of something I came up to demonstrate what I mean. I also suggest reading the light novel Infinite Dendrogram readily available at various outlets. For the parts I read, your story vaguely reminded me of that franchise.

    After my first successful grinding session, I made my way to town to repair my damaged equipment. My noob gear was nothing special if not fragile and needed a lot of maintenance. Once I gather enough coin, I’ll buy something with a little more endurance. Oh! Maybe there is something with a speed buff the shopkeepers are selling? I’ll outmaneuver my foes so they can’t touch me or damage my gear.
    ‘Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.’
    Another player walked passed me, wearing very futuristic looking gear. The busty female avatar wore a metal exoskeleton with a lot of line lights all over. Sharp smooth wings suggested this person was capable of flight and would be a pain to deal with in combat. I know the game was an expansive one that allowed players to dress their avatars in whatever best suited their preference but–come on! Future tech in a fantasy game? That just total ruins the aesthetics and immersion!
    ‘Whatever.’ I doubt there was any future tech looking mage gear out there anyway.
    Aside from the random out of place looking players roaming around, the town resembled what I could only describe as Medieval. Buildings were very earthly colors of wood, thatch and stone. I even saw some metal shops with modern glasswork but those places were rare. I placed my hand on a mud colored wall and felt its rough texture. This game was truly amazing to simulate the sensation of touch. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was isekai to another world entirely.
    There was a gorgeous mountain in the distance I just couldn’t take my eyes off of. Its snowing top and thick base, comparable to that of Mount Fuji. I wasn’t big on mountain climbing IRL but when I get the chance, I’m definitely going to climb that. There might even be an achievement award for doing so.
    So enamored with the mountain, my inner klutz struck at my footwork.
    “Whoa!” I fell forward. Even though deep down I knew a fall like this wasn’t really going to hurt, my body reacted all the same, doing everything it could to avoid collision with the ground. My fingers grabbed onto the closet thing.
    “What the–HEY!”
    “Oof!” my face hit the stone pavement. True to the game’s settings, the fall didn’t hurt none but when my eyes gazed on the fabric my hand happened to have taken down with it, my eyes went wide with a terrible–painful realization. It was a battle garment. More specifically, a girl’s skirt. “Uh oh.”
    My eyes trailed upward against praiseworthy legs and to the now exposed panties for all the world to see. There did exist a filter system that could pixilate out images like that but I opted out of such restrictions. I’m not sure I regret that decision. Either way, I eventually locked eyes with the owner of the skirt I had unfortunately pilfered. A cutely designed female avatar that was currently in between expressions of rage and embarrassment. I think tears started to form along those blue diamond eyes.
    “He he,” I laughed humorlessly and offered her skirt back. “Sorry?”
    “Y-You…Pervert!” Following that declaration to the world was the slap of the century to my face. Was the town a safe zone for players? I’m sure I just lost a good deal of HP from that hit. I went flying to the side and crashed into a building.
    “Ow.” She had to be a higher level player because I think she just broke every bone in my avatar’s body.

Comments are closed.

Discussion (1)

  1. Justice

    I’ll be upfront, I only read as far as page 6 of your story. ‘Show, don’t tell’. The manner in which you have written is more of a report to me as a reader then showcasing a story. Several major events occurred from where I stopped reading and no time was granted to absorb them before you moved on.
    I’ll use an example, the meeting with Shikari was done and over with in a few short paragraphs and even littler dialog. You used a classic trope and told the reader what happened. That event alone could be worth two or more pages of showing. You need to put yourself in the character’s shoes and show the reader that this is a living breathing world. I’m leaving a sample below of something I came up to demonstrate what I mean. I also suggest reading the light novel Infinite Dendrogram readily available at various outlets. For the parts I read, your story vaguely reminded me of that franchise.

    After my first successful grinding session, I made my way to town to repair my damaged equipment. My noob gear was nothing special if not fragile and needed a lot of maintenance. Once I gather enough coin, I’ll buy something with a little more endurance. Oh! Maybe there is something with a speed buff the shopkeepers are selling? I’ll outmaneuver my foes so they can’t touch me or damage my gear.
    ‘Yeah. That’s what I’ll do.’
    Another player walked passed me, wearing very futuristic looking gear. The busty female avatar wore a metal exoskeleton with a lot of line lights all over. Sharp smooth wings suggested this person was capable of flight and would be a pain to deal with in combat. I know the game was an expansive one that allowed players to dress their avatars in whatever best suited their preference but–come on! Future tech in a fantasy game? That just total ruins the aesthetics and immersion!
    ‘Whatever.’ I doubt there was any future tech looking mage gear out there anyway.
    Aside from the random out of place looking players roaming around, the town resembled what I could only describe as Medieval. Buildings were very earthly colors of wood, thatch and stone. I even saw some metal shops with modern glasswork but those places were rare. I placed my hand on a mud colored wall and felt its rough texture. This game was truly amazing to simulate the sensation of touch. If I didn’t know better, I’d think I was isekai to another world entirely.
    There was a gorgeous mountain in the distance I just couldn’t take my eyes off of. Its snowing top and thick base, comparable to that of Mount Fuji. I wasn’t big on mountain climbing IRL but when I get the chance, I’m definitely going to climb that. There might even be an achievement award for doing so.
    So enamored with the mountain, my inner klutz struck at my footwork.
    “Whoa!” I fell forward. Even though deep down I knew a fall like this wasn’t really going to hurt, my body reacted all the same, doing everything it could to avoid collision with the ground. My fingers grabbed onto the closet thing.
    “What the–HEY!”
    “Oof!” my face hit the stone pavement. True to the game’s settings, the fall didn’t hurt none but when my eyes gazed on the fabric my hand happened to have taken down with it, my eyes went wide with a terrible–painful realization. It was a battle garment. More specifically, a girl’s skirt. “Uh oh.”
    My eyes trailed upward against praiseworthy legs and to the now exposed panties for all the world to see. There did exist a filter system that could pixilate out images like that but I opted out of such restrictions. I’m not sure I regret that decision. Either way, I eventually locked eyes with the owner of the skirt I had unfortunately pilfered. A cutely designed female avatar that was currently in between expressions of rage and embarrassment. I think tears started to form along those blue diamond eyes.
    “He he,” I laughed humorlessly and offered her skirt back. “Sorry?”
    “Y-You…Pervert!” Following that declaration to the world was the slap of the century to my face. Was the town a safe zone for players? I’m sure I just lost a good deal of HP from that hit. I went flying to the side and crashed into a building.
    “Ow.” She had to be a higher level player because I think she just broke every bone in my avatar’s body.

Comments are closed.