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WHEN I GOT REINCARNATED AS A SPIDER WITH MY GODDESS : VOLUME 1
After losing her parents at an early age, Sachi Kondo has lived without neither the joy of having close friends nor the experience of the love and affection of parents. However, after a sudden death in a school bus accident, she and her classmates were transported to divine realm to be reincarnated—and tasked with saving a new world. Thinking about the new happy life that she would get, she wished to be reborn.
However there is a condition that each reincarnate will be accompanied by a God or Goddess to guide them on their journey. While her classmates are chosen by strong Gods or Goddesses, and will gain impressive abilities useful in battle, Sachi is chosen by a non-combat Goddess Athena. Both of them being weak and lacking any real offensive power they are belittled and bullied by other Gods and students. Sachi and Athena soon become close friends while the others detested their relationships. Both are betrayed by them and find themselves in a trap under the attack of Heavenly Guardian Beast – Fenrir.
While both of them survive and the beast is slained, people near her soon realizes Sachi’s true overpowered potential. Both of them find their resolve in protecting each other and leading a happy life. Will Sachi and Goddess Athena really be able to survive through all the hardships they will face in the endeavour to save Isleguard.
- NOEL ELITIA
PLEASE ENJOY YOUR READ
I only read to the end of chapter two.
There is too much victimhood at the very beginning with the protagonist that makes her very uninteresting and unlikeable. There is a lot of exposition explaining why she is justified in being so moopy. Great. Is there anything else to this girl? I was honestly waiting for something redeemable that demonstrates this person is worth caring for as the story’s heroine. Something has to happen that shows the reader this punching bag girl is human. She does some sort of kind gesture in secret and those that notice choose to ignore her or something. Your protagonist is going with the flow of her own low self worth that that I, as the reader, went along with it.
The trick is to create a lovable character for the reader and then bring that character down. Now its a redemption story we want to continue reading in hopes the hero overcomes their set of circumstances. Moody/broody/moopy characters from the very start of things puts them in a box and its hard to get them out of said box to do something interesting without breaking character.
Also, never break the forth wall. It never works in novels.
I recommend placing a scene in the afterlife of the protagonist inquiring about her parents. It reads that they did care for her but are dead. She is also dead so that would spark some possibility of a reunion. They likely would be romanticized as these all-loving figures she desperately clung to for salvation given her lot in life.
In Greek mythos, Athena is the goddess of wisdom and war. Having her as a non-combatant doesn’t make a whole lot of sense. Granted, you don’t have to stick with historical mythos in a light novel. I’m a fan of “Fate Stay Night” and that franchise butchers the history of notable figures. That said, they rewrote an entirely new history so they could reasonably explain gender swap characters. You don’t have to do that, but that is something to keep in mind.
Also, are all of the deities of heaven a bunch of jerks? Based upon how the protagonist was being treated, she would gladly go to the afterlife and be at peace then participate in a competition she has no investment in. No one would miss her and the protagonist’s absence doesn’t sound like it would cause issues. You could counter this very viable and likely ending of her going to the afterlife willingly by having the deities fear her absence would disturb the competition because… reasons. The competition needs an exact number or something that suggests that this choice is not available to the protagonist.
I am interested in where chapter two went to read more at a later date, but if the protagonist remains this sad thing for too long, that will drain the fun out of reading. Hopefully Athena’s presence will change the dynamics and offer more than just sad times.
i am looking forward to your new review and suggestions which have been very helpful
hopefully it doesn’t take long before you complete the novel
Thank you for giving so much thought about my novel,
Most of the problems you addressed have been taken care of in the chapters from 4,5 and 6.
for example about the setting of the gods at the end of chapter 4.
also about the parents of the MC i feel the same – and have decided to use this setting in volume 3 where the story further continues in the new world
As for why the MC is worth knowing about, I wish that you read through chapter 5 and find the answer for yourself
as for the Gods being jerks – it’s honestly not my intention. these god are supposed to be young and prideful showing haughty character.thinking that the world is their to seek for { I would rather not stick to greek myths and use greek gods as a reference so that readers can easily relate and remember the information}
i have further introduced other gods of upper echelons who are caring and look out for other gods and the stability of power distribution in the divine realm
i hope you consider completing the novel and give it a reassessment
i hope at the end you are satisfied by investing your time to see the MC taking a decision to start a new life
hopefully volume 2 will be out by next month in july.
Your story is interesting and based upon the well written material, you are not a stranger to writing. My following statements are from my personal experience dealing with new writers. Don’t take it personal. Its merely to help your growth as a writer.
I didn’t like your protagonist by the end of chapter two. You stated chapters 4,5,6 will address my concerns. You are asking me to consume five helpings of your novel before I may be won over by the heroine? It is your job as the writer to capture the reader’s interest from the very start of things and maintain that interest with the content that follows afterwards. You are going to lose readers if you are asking them to continue until chapter 5 to get interested.
Check out the anime “Goblin Slayer”. That show has a shocker first episode. It was such an investing and impressive start to the story that audiences stuck around to the finish line. A number of opinions were that the show contained fairly standard content afterwards.
Now, take my review with a grain of salt as I don’t like 100% depressing protagonists. They are boring. You’ll need to get more reviews and opinions to get a fair assessment.
As far as the Greek god names go, if these entities are not the same from our earth’s history, that needs to made clear within the contents of the story. You can add a section where the protagonist is looking around trying to identify which is which. Angels are part of the Judeo-Christian beliefs and Olympus is Greek. reincarnation is a Hindu-Buddhist belief. Its confusing when you have all these different features mixed in and don’t mention anything on it.
In regards to the seeing her parents, I recommend adding that desire or acknowledge that as soon as possible. Most who are on their deathbeds find comfort in the fact they are going to go see their departed loved ones. Holding that back in this story seems unrealistically odd. It makes your character feel more real if you do that right away. That should be the singular objective on her mind knowing she is now dead.
Two reasons that I will eventually return to read more of your story:
The story title suggests a similarity to the currently popular “So I’m a Spider, So What?” franchise and the whole divine assistance to the heroes intrigues me. This is just my personal take on your story. Take what you find useful in it and move forward however you see fit.
yes i now understand your concerns,
i will make sure from the next volume that the story captures reader’s interest from the very first chapter
also i too hate 100% depressing protagonist, the main problem i wanted to show was the MC is just too disinterested in her own life that it doesn’t matter how she is treated by others, but what makes her special is her concern for others who cares for her and her creativity in magic as well as humouring the readers
you don’t need to worry about the parents problem – because the way i have planned it – it nicely fits the start of volume 3 and will give that volume a powerful start as well as maintain the flow of story and steel the resolve of MC of what she has to achieve in the future
as for the god’s history i will address your concern in the ‘afterword’ section of volume 2, since it can’t be done in volume 1 now
actually this is my very first novel i ever wrote, so thank you
also i would like your intake over how the flow of my story compares to ‘SoI’m a Spider so what’, so that the story does not find similarities and later causes problems of material infringement, i haven’t even read that light novel yet, just so that my ideas don’t coincide with it
i hope that after finishing volume 1, you would also try volume 2 which i am working on now and will hopefully release it soon at the start of the next month
Hello, Do you write on Honeyfeed?