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Blank Card – Destroyer X Destroyer (Volume 1)
Inspired by light novel Highschool DxD, a 17 years old boy recognises Issei Hyoudou as his Master and aims to be a Harem King. But he is nothing. He is unsociable, isolated, boring and as soon as something gets hard, he gives up. His fantasies could never come alive in this world until one day his fate changed when he bumped into some people who wanted to kill him as he was considered a threat to the world due to his powers. What saved him was a team that he could never forget for the rest of his life.
#Edited the name of the MC. Leo Ekon is now the protagonist's name.
Here is the completed Volume 1 of Blank Card – Destroyer X Destroyer. I hope you read it and like it. Please provide feedback and ideas of improvements. Even the criticism is welcome.
Thanks in advance.
Keep in mind, I am bias in my review. This also is not my preferred genre of storytelling but I can see you want some helpful reviews so I’ll give you what I can. I like harem stories but don’t care for Highschool DxD. I’m more of a Quintessential Quintuplets sort of consumer. I only got as far as chapter two with your story.
This story’s hero is a pervert. Nothing new to the industry but that more often puts him in the unlikable category. An unlikable protagonist is hard to root for. How dare he get all those women and not me? Burn!
This is a humorous harem story that is better suited for manga than written material. I don’t think your comedy is reading well. Its actually cringey. Female breasts are great and all that, but story focusing writing on that alone over time becomes annoying. Anime and manga can get away with it because visual fanservice scenes and the cringe moments goes by with a blink of the eye but light novels are different. Readers don’t get the bong on the head moments with the protagonist.
I did find your protagonist shouting for the fight to stop to acknowledge breasts amusing and the stunned responses that followed.
Also, breaking the forth wall is bad anywhere in a novel. DON’T DO IT! Even if its a gag novel, don’t have your characters acknowledge the reader’s presence. It always ruins the immersion.
Hi! My name is (insert name)? Don’t do that. Or “we(the reader) get it! Move on already!” to a character. No forth wall breaking!
Hello and thank you for your help. I’ll keep those points in mind and will see if I can improve the storyline in that way. If you find anything else worth mentioning, please do tell me that.
Thanks again.