Discussion (6)

1. 

   Lucifer Vermillion Post author

   Final edit.
   I did my best, so as for the criticism and compliments– I gladly accept and welcome them.
   That`s all that there is, I hope this story can continue on.
   Support this story if you like it, but be warned that the first volume will likely be a little boring. Prepare yourselves.

2. 

   Justice

   I actually read the earlier versions and read parts of this to get to where I was at 3-7. The grammar was vastly improved on this and flowed a lot better. I haven’t read the whole thing yet but I’m getting there. I’m curious why you gave your character the Devil’s name when he’s dealing with a split personality. I keep expecting him to be dark and treacherous at any given moment. The name in my opinion doesn’t suit your protagonist for as far as I read. Is he going to pull a 180 and turn into the ultimate bad guy towards everyone? Kuroyuki is amusing and with a personality that makes me curious about her backstory. She’s got a no nonsense demeanor and the more social encounters she has with the main character make her seem cute.

   I think there should be third person somewhere in here that offers a challenge to the two or is just a nuisance. Like he shows up out of nowhere, makes challenge, loses, and declares victory will be his. Could be a comic relief for these two. A pesky rival Kuroyuki herself often squashes. Or your main character makes a friend of either gender and allows for him to shine as more then just Kuroyuki’s punching bag. Kuroyuski finds out and is madly protective of her partner like someone is trying to steal him away. That offers more opportunity for comedy inserts. There is too much of just your main characters and everyone else is just background noise. I can’t remember anyone else’s names. Its good for as far as I got.

3. 

   Lucifer Vermillion Post author

   Oh ho. Thanks for compliment and advice.
   As I did mention, the first volume would be a little boring.
   Since the first volume is mainly about introduction, it`d be boring– more or less.
   As soon as I wrote, I realized that each parts acts an important role for me to explain at the further volumes.

   As for the reason of the protagonist name, it will be explained at the further volumes (if the story continues).
   You aren`t wrong about the dark and treacherous part of the protagonist, there is– but not yet. This will happen at waaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaaay further.
   For the third person somewhere that offers challenge, I guess it will happen at the further volumes (3, perhaps).

   As for your advice about the comedy inserts and other things… I`m thinking of something better than that.
   Nevertheless, it`s not a bad advice.

   P.S. If you want to visualize the character`s faces, the last 3 pages contains their drawings. (Personally drew by myself.)

4. 

   Justice

   Ah! I figured there would be some sort of switch in his personality. Something would set him off like his sister getting hurt or dying then he’d go mad and start rampaging or just outright be villainous to everyone. It would take Kuroyuki at her very best to subdue him. I’m thinking is a bad guy story with a main character who doesn’t know he’s a bad guy yet.
   This really seems like a setup similar to Trinity Seven and a similar relationship build of the Twin Star Exorcists. That’s what I thought while reading.
   I really like Kuroyuki’s curt responses. It gives her a character dept when her not so defensive side is showing. So looking forward to how she turns out.
   There really does need to be a counterweight to these two because they are overpowered. You’re running into the Superman complex which he is too powerful and no conflict can offer a challenge because he is so strong. Granted I haven’t finished reading so I don’t see the entire picture yet, but (don’t take this personally) if you are admitting that your first installment to this story is going to be boring you’re going to have a hard time maintaining an audience for the third installment. I strongly recommend they get their butt kicked by the student council or the school dean/principal. That will give them a goal/purpose to strive for and more reason why these two a sticking together. Honesty, with such an abusive relationship, the main character should be trying his upmost to escape and find another partner.
   Maybe show more social interactions between them and other students and show how Kuroyuki is ostracized because no one is worthy of her attention. This could be better showing of why the story largely is of only the two of them.

   1. 

      Lucifer Vermillion Post author

      The protagonist is not good nor bad, though. And things won`t turn out as you expect, I`m thinking of something much interesting than that.
      Actually there`s already counterweights for those two, if you reach the end you will eventually know.
      As the author of this light novel, I guess I`m the one that find it least interesting since I`m the only one who knew how the story will go…
      If you find this interesting. I`m really glad to know that.
      About the principal butt kicking part and their goals, volume 2 will start their mission as the special students.
      The reason for Kuroyuki to ostracize others, will be explained at a further volumes.
      Thanks for sharing your thoughts and advice, once again.

5. 

   Lucifer Vermillion Post author

   I will be posting my novel at royalroadl.com too.